continually-falling:

Our God is the God of healing.

Our God is the God of miracles.

Our God is the God of Joshua, who is laying on a hospital bed, a brother who is encouraging and caring, a son who is faithful and loving, a Christian who is strong.

We’re praying for you, Josh!

Get up buddy. Stronger than ever. The support around you is astronomical right now, and will continue to be regardless of whatever happens. Fight hard.

• Me: (on Facebook) oh guurrrrl, you're too good for him. y u wit him.
• Me: WHY. WHY ARE YOU WITH HER. YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HER.
• Me: oooh, comment war!
• Me: the trolls are all over the place right now. time to close tab. *re-opens Facebook tab 5 min later*
• Me: HAHAHAHAHAH *Like*
• Me: Oh... sad. :( *Like, but not really liking it because I like that they're sad, but liking because I want to show "support"*
• Me: - Chat Notification! - who're you? oh. i don't want to talk to you right now *avoids clicking window*
• Me: - Chat Notification! - i don't want to talk to you right now. *accidentally clicks window* NOOO IT'S GONNA SAY I SAW IT NOW. CRAAAAAP. *reluctantly replies*
• Me: why are you writing on her wall? why? go away.
• Me: ouch. that's not a very flattering picture.
• Me: uh ohhhhh, somebody's been drinking...
• Me: aww man, s/he's complaining again through their statuses again. go away, you're hogging up my feed space.
• Me: why am i on here again? i forgot.
• Me: who was i supposed to stalk again? i forgot.
• Me: I FEEL SO POPULAR! I GOT 1 LIKE. :3 *dance~*
• Me: I FEEL SO POPULAR! I GOT 1 LIKE---oh. it's just my friend. *nvm* :|

The holidays make me miss my dad so badly………. man. this feeling.

Not many people know this fact. But.. It’s been 5 1/2 years since my dad passed away… Not a single day goes by when I don’t at least think about my dad for a second… It blows. I feel just as sad, just as mad, just as whatever emotion you can think of whenever I think of it. Simply put. It sucks beyond imagination. I feel like my father missed out on the most crucial time of my life, when I could’ve used some fatherly guidance, some advice, some man-to-man talk.

I remember that day so incredibly clearly it’s ridiculous. I was at youth group in Tacoma with my sister on a Friday night, when my mom called and told me to come home immediately. When I arrived, my entire family was there, and my mom came and held me and my sister’s hand… Crying, she said in Korean “We’re gonna be ok alright? Dad’s gone.” That moment, my brain went into a flurry of emotions, my heart started pounding, thoughts and emotions were running through my brain, I was confused. “What?” I asked… My mom said… “Dad is in heaven now.” I started shaking. I can’t express what I was feeling. I thought I was in a dream, and I thought I would just have a heart attack on the spot.

My dad was serving at a church in Conrad, IA because he was a pastor for the United Methodist Church. It was his final year of serving, and he was planning on joining us here in Washington after the year was over. All that came to a crashing halt. Months earlier, I had gotten into a car accident and totaled my car. My dad drove 24 straight hours, no sleep, from Iowa to Washington. He stayed for a couple days, and I remember the last conversation my dad and I had.. I was complaining because my dad kept nagging me about what I wanted to do with my future. I was angry at him for bringing it up so often… I took my dad to the airport, and on the way, my dad gave me $20 saying,”I’m sorry I don’t have more, I love you son.” I remember giving a hug to my dad before he left. That would be my last time.

I remember talking to my dad, 3 days before he died. He had called me, it was a short conversation cause I said I was busy with something. That would be my last time talking to him. To say that I live with the utmost regret to this day would be a vast understatement. I miss my dad. Simply put. There’s so much I wish I could take back. And it saddens me because I know I’ll never have that time back. We flew to Iowa immediately the next morning… The moment I walked into my dad’s office at his church, I just broke down crying. Everything was as he had left it. There was even a pot of tea that was sitting there cold. His model planes (he loved flying), his books, pictures of our family, everything. When I walked into his house, the tears kept coming. My heart, physically hurt. There were dirty dishes in the sink, when I opened his fridge there was barely anything. Only frozen foods, eggs, some milk, and water. He had his favorite sound system, clothes strewn out on the couch and floor, this was my father who was living and working alone to support my family. Can you imagine how lonely he must have been?

When I first saw my dad in the casket, I could not believe it. It looked like him, but not at the same time. I spent a lot of time just staring at him. There he was, my father, the one who had taken care of me along with my mother, the one who taught me how to ride a bike, how to hit a ball, how to throw a ball, how to drive stick, and much much more. Lifeless, not breathing. As I write this, I honestly still can’t believe this isn’t a dream. If there was one event I could take back in my life, it would be this. By far, without a doubt. There’s much more I want to write, but it’s getting hard for me to type, and I won’t even lie, it’s emotionally draining, so I’m just going to leave this here for now. Perhaps I’ll go into more detail later. I’m sorry if I’m everywhere with this right now, I’m writing this the way I’m thinking in my brain.

To this day, I think I subconsciously hold a little bitterness towards God. Believe me, you can tell me whatever you want “It’ll be ok” “Just trust God” Etc… I’ve heard it all. And to reassure you, my faith has a solid foundation so no need to worry there… But, I think with these kind of life-changing events, it’s inevitable. I honestly don’t understand why it happened. I vowed to believe that there was a greater plan, and that it was meant to happen for something bigger. I’ll be blunt, I don’t see that right now. I’m at a place in my life where it seems everyone around me is doing either really well, or in the same boat as I am. It’s not easy being a college graduate, scrounging for jobs, working temporary jobs just to get my foot-in-the-door. But… I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m not trying to receive pity off of this, nor any sort of encouragement, but I hope this post can encourage some of you in some way. I don’t know how, but this has been on my chest, and I like to write about this event whenever it bottles up. Life goes on. I just hope God shows the purpose soon.